It's amazing how much things change when you're taking care of a little one. Some of the changes are sudden, while some are more gradual. Some things become less challenging, and other things more. It's an incredible process - one I've enjoyed discussing with my wife and documenting here.
Here are some things that have changed, through the first 4 months and 11 days of Benjamin's life outside the womb...
BETTER: His feeding, sleeping, and pooping schedule is SO much more sane. As impossible as it seemed during the first couple months that we would ever get to a point like this (we would get a 1-2 hour break at most before he cried again!). Now, he's already sleeping through most of the night! He only wants regular feedings (every 3 hours, approximately) during his more active hours - generally about 9 AM to 11 PM, though it can vary. He also poops MUCH less frequently! The best part about this change, over the last couple months, is that he doesn't irritate his bottom. Before, he was constantly exacerbating his own rash.
WORSE: However, that also means that his bowel movements, when they do occur, are ENORMOUS. When it's already been 2-4 days (the longest wait so far was 4 or 5), we truly dread the arrival of his beastly unloading. Thankfully, it's only been disastrous timing once...but it almost made poor Marie late for work that day. We had a frantic cleanup effort, which continued even after I brought him back home from dropping her off.
BETTER: Obviously, babies become more aware as they grow. This is a beautiful thing when it comes to:
- responsive facial expressions (he's been smiling quite a bit since about the 3 month mark, and we can fairly reliably trigger it now with our voices and expressions)
- vocalizing (he loves to coo at us when in the right mood)
- eye contact (he LOVES this and literally strains for it when he hears a voice behind him - sometimes to the point of making himself sick from all the twisting around)
- grabbing for clothing, burp cloths, toys, etc. (he has been doing this in a more directed, less random way for a week or two)
It's incredibly rewarding to gain a greater sense of reciprocity in your interactions with your child.
WORSE: However, greater awareness can sometimes be a bad thing! Benjamin used to have no idea what was going on in the car, or at the doctor's office, so it didn't really phase him. He either slept, or took it all in passively. As he senses patterns and remembers more of the world around him, some of it can be scary. Let's just say that his last couple trips to the doctor were NOT his favorite. He spent about 80% of the time crying at the top of his little lungs, and it only got worse when his 4 month shots were administered. Good grief, I felt awful for him. I've never liked lying on a slab and getting injected with things either.
Overall, we are overwhelmed by his progress and how beautiful this boy is. We love him so much, and we tell him about a thousand times a day.
Everyone jokes about the lack of sleep for new parents. You've probably seen the meme below, only with a different picture. I made my own using a funny cell snap of Benjamin, and since the meme generator offered the option of a "scumbag hat," I threw that on him for good measure.
But, jokes aside, it's a real problem. Especially early on, when your child sleeps only a couple hours before screaming for another round of changing and feeding. Every round is a battle of its own, and sometimes your baby will decide to be fussy all the way through until the next feeding time, rather than sleeping at all. Yep, it's awesome!
And that's not all. One or both parents have to:
- do the baby's laundry, while still keeping up with your own
- do the baby's dishes (bottles), while still keeping up with your own
- go shopping for baby items, while still keeping up with your own groceries and errands
- (mother only) pump and/or breastfeed, to either stockpile or provide milk
As the blog title says, I'm a stay-at-home dad. I teach online biology classes for a local college, and do freelance photography. We are blessed that I have that option - to at least earn income from home, rather than having to quit an office job or anything like that. But even my current obligations are virtually impossible to manage when I'm home alone during the week.
I basically get about 1-2 hours of productivity during the day while my wife is at work; the remainder of my time is spent tending to Benjamin. As he grows and becomes more alert, I'm delighted to spend time talking to him and showing him books and toys. Of course, the downside is that he wants more and more stimulation during the day, so I truly don't get any time for my vocations. When she gets home (from the hospital operating room where she puts in an incredibly intense 8 hours every weekday), she tries to take care of him for a little while so I can get a bit more work done. And on the weekend, I'm trying to slowly get back into photography.
The nighttime is the most taxing part. Although he finally seems to be sleeping for longer stretches, the first couple months involved a guaranteed 2-3 "awakenings" during our attempts to rest.
Every night, you have three choices:
1) Parent A tends to him for 1-2 consecutive feedings, staying outside the bedroom with the monitor, so Parent B can sleep without interruption, then crashes for a little while.
2) Same as option 1, but reversed.
3) Both parents try to sleep in the bedroom all night, so while neither has to stay up all night, neither one gets a solid stretch of sleep.
We often end up going back and forth. Parent A is so dead that Parent B makes a sacrifice on Monday night...only to get so tired that Parent B is the one in need of rescue on Tuesday night.
Weekends are marginally better, because at least we don't have the ordeal of preparing him for transport twice a day. I guess I forgot to mention that I take her to work - mostly because her only parking for the hospital is a long distance away, and the walk is through a bad part of town. I simply can't, in good conscience, leave her to that dangerous trek each day. We loathe putting Benjamin through the trips, but we don't have a choice.
In spite of all this, neither of us would EVER express regret to be going through this. Life is very difficult with a newborn child, but if you're anything like us, your baby is so beautiful and important that you would do anything to make it all work.
When it comes to breast pumps, Medela is the respected name and the one you'll find in most hospitals. They're definitely the best around.
It's important to note that with my wife's solid health insurance plan (she works as an OR nurse, for our state's flagship hospital) the starter version of the Medela pump is covered for free. You would have to pay for additional accessories, but the pump itself was free of charge for us.
So far, she's been very happy with it. Here's a link to the model: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IJJRVR4/
My wife and I are both determined to give Baby Benjamin the best possible care, and that includes breastmilk during his early stages. However, breastfeeding presents a ton of challenges for new mothers, especially those with preterm babies.
Benjamin may have only been 4 weeks early, but that has still caused extra difficulties due to his diminutive stature and lesser coordination - being a month behind on the developmental curve.
INITIAL STRUGGLES WITH FEEDING
Our first three days were spent in the hospital, and BY FAR the most stressful part of our time was feeding him. It usually went like this:
1) Marie would try, to no avail, to get him to latch. All the while, he'd be fussing out of frustration and hunger. Even with a nipple shield, it was virtually impossible. His mouth was simply too small.
2) We would resort to the alternative - formula (Similac Neosure 22 - more on that in a later post) administered via syringe. The goal was actually to attach a narrow feeding tube to the end of the syringe, and put that in the side of the mouth while he was on a nipple. Again, that usually proved too difficult.
3) A lactation specialist would stop by and try to help. Most of them were truly wonderful - a couple of the floor nurses and a couple of the lactation specialists really stand out as heroes of Benjamin's first few days. In the end, we typically resorted to having him suck on a finger while taking food through the small tube from the syringe.
INITIAL STRUGGLES WITH PUMPING
In the meantime, there was all the consternation over breast milk. Just like the preterm baby itself, milk production sometimes isn't quite ready for the big leagues when the birth happens ahead of schedule.
Marie's first pumping, shortly after birth, went exceptionally well. We got our hopes up, but the next couple days she was producing so little that we got worried. If you're in a similar situation, be patient, stay positive, and keep trying.
A couple things that worked for Marie...
1) Manipulation of the breasts, especially when the milk truly came in "full force" on about Day 3. Her breasts were so swollen and tender at that point. It was truly excruciating. Remember when I said we had some heroes of our hospital time? One of the lactation specialists showed up randomly in the middle of the night, gave her advice and helped her overcome some of the pain. Thankfully, it passed after 24-36 hours, during which time she used ice, warm water, and massage.
2) Having Benjamin on or near the breast, prior to or during the pumping session. There is a huge psychological aspect to the whole thing. Positivity is really key. When she is stressed, at work or at home, her production is markedly lower. If you can't have your baby nearby, at least look at pictures on your phone. Talking to others who've been through it can really help your mindset. Marie participated in a couple Facebook chats with a local chapter of La Leche League, and found it very informative.
3) This is easier to discuss than to execute, but some of the obvious things like rest, hydration and diet have a huge effect on production as well. Keep tabs on your physiology and make the necessary adjustments.
SETTLING INTO A ROUTINE
All along, we've fed him approximately every 3 hours. That's roughly when he starts chirping for it again. As his demand for volume has increased, Marie has continued to prepare bottles with a 50/50 mixture of her own milk and the Similac formula. In our first few days in the hospital, he was only getting 20-30 mL per feeding. As of 2 months, he's getting about 100 mL total. Although he started small, his weight has progressed nicely.
She tries to pump at least six times per day. The goal was 7-8 during her six weeks off from work (post-birth), but now that she's back in the OR, she has to settle for two pumping sessions during the workday. Plus, on average, 1 in the early morning, 1 right before work, and 2 between work and bedtime. For a total of 6.
I do my best to help by feeding him while she pumps, or feeding him in the middle of the night so she can rest up for a better pumping in the early morning. While I called it a "routine" in the subheader, every day is its own battle and things change quite a bit from the plan.
I'll update this post with more details, and also expand more on the topic in future posts. Feel free to comment or even email us with questions!
